11 June 2016
Dear Stranger on the Waterloo Train,
Dear Stranger on the Waterloo Train,
I see you look
up from your paper and notice my daughter and I. You are careful not to catch my
eye. I see your eyes fall on my daughter’s self-harm scars. It is a hot day,
she is wearing a short sleeve t-shirt and her scars are out in the open. I see
how uncomfortable they make you feel. I don't blame you, I totally understand
that you find the scars confusing. I see your eyes flick up to my face and
wonder what kind of mother I am. I see you considering if I might be cold and
uncaring or perhaps she cut her arms because life at home was so difficult.
That is ok, I don't mind your thoughts as long as you don't voice them to me.
It makes sense that you would wonder if we are a dysfunctional family, that you
would think we don't love her enough. Her scars are such an outward symbol of
her inner pain and you are right- our job as parents is to protect our children
and stop them from harming themselves. Perhaps you would prefer her to hide the
pain away and not make it so visible?
I want you
to know, dear Stranger on the Waterloo Train that we did our very best to try
and help her get free from the monster that ran wild in her head. We really
did. We quit our jobs, we tried to keep our eyes on her 24 hours a day, we took
her to hospital for stitches and for appointments- sometimes we dragged her
kicking and screaming because we knew what she needed when she didn’t. I want
you to know that I often slept on the floor in her room so I could be close to
her, that I cried silent tears there, on that floor. I want you to know how
strong I pretended to be every time I had to bandage her arms after the monster
in her head had helped her find a way around us so she could harm herself.
Dear
Stranger on the Waterloo Train, I see you look up from your paper and notice my
daughter and I. I wish you could look past the scars and see her strength, see
how she fights the monster in her head everyday just to stay alive. I want you
to notice that she is on a train and not curled up in her bed wanting to die
anymore. I want you to see her scars and try to understand how an illness that
people perceive as is all in your head can also leave scars on your body.
And Dear
Stranger on the Waterloo Train, I don’t mind if you judge me as a mother but I
beg you, never judge my baby girl, she is braver than those scars look. I pray
that you may never have to stand here where I stand.
Much love,
The Mother
of the Bravest Girl on the Waterloo Train
